Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I could make wine with my vomit
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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