He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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