And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
