Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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