You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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