I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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