also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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