She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
