I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
