All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize