Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she told me i tasted like america
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
