I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
