Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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