Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
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