Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
