you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
