Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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