I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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