I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
