I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
