So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
