you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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