its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
