Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
