He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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