I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
