theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
