Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My penis needs a shock collar
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My dad just said "fuck circus"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
