Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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