The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
