I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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