and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
