There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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