To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
