seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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