had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
