If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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