a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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