I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
