And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
