3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
