i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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