Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm determined to sit on that face.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
