she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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