i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My dick has a subreddit
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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