I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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