The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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