why didn't you poke me back
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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