I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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