next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
