I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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