she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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