bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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