i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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