she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize